Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Fear can be a great motivator, just not during foreplay.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.