My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

A lot of people wouldn't feel miserable in this environment. A lot of people aren't dating my girlfriend.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Marriage is supposed to be permanent. It's like a tattoo that yells at you.