I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Homemade' sounds much better when not referring to tattoos.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.