MTV has turned more young women into whores than poverty.

Happiness is a carnival game. It's never as easy as it looks, but the dumb ones always seem to be walking around with a big stuffed animal.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.