Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

Comedy is rarely funny.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

Nothing good about the sun if you're trying to watch television with out curtains.