Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.