Hard to explain to a guard dog that you need it to protect you from yourself.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

I've decided to retreat to the spirit world where I feel appreciated and understood.

Sleep is over rated, then again so is being awake.

Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.