Misery loves company which is ironic because it rarely throws dinner parties.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

The color red is associated with romance and blood, but not at the same time.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.