I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Flying first class means sitting next to a better class of person I don't want to talk to.

I'm neither professional fighter nor physicist, therefore on some level I will always consider myself a failure.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

One day I'd like to beat you at your own game, but your game is badmitton so that will probably never happen.

I have emotional needs that I didn't know I had, and I have physical needs that I didn't know weren't really needs.