The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

It may not be in the constitution, but every American has a god-given right to provinciality and ignorance.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.