The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.