Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Nature's beauty never fails to fill me with a sense of wonder and awe, and still, I refuse to go camping.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.