Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.