Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Statistically speaking, when a woman says I'm not going to have sex with you, she'll often have sex with you.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.