If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

I like Irish pubs, except for all the loud music and drinking, and people acting like idiots.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.