If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

Canadians are like Americans, just less racist, violent, and ignorant.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.