If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Parenthood seems really rewarding... like martyrdom, but without the glamour.

Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Cities with a black middle class provide the narrow minded an opportunity to realize that cultural differences are largely economic.

Insecurity is like herpes. It's not going anywhere. May as well learn to laugh at it.