If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

If I ever move in with a woman, she'll have to be really comfortable with unhappiness.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

The entertainment business is to business what plastic flowers are to flowers.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.