If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

If space suits looked less like marshmallows, I'd be more interested in going to the moon.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.