We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.