We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Gay men greet each other just like straight guys do... If one of the straight guys saved the other one's life.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.