Comedy is rarely funny.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?