The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.