The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

You have the attention span of a large bug, and yet I don't feel good enough about myself to not date you.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.