I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Love is a crocodile just above the water line waiting to attack the innocent herbivore of my freedom.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.