Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

We're born alone and we die alone. So in between, let's spend time with people that make us feel good... or at least put-out.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.