Animals look at people the way people look at people that might mug them.

Drugs in a disco are great for white people because it allows them to feel more Puerto Rican while dancing.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Is it a bad sign when someone asks you about the person your dating and a tear falls from your eye as you leap into oncoming traffic?

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

Just saw a woman with a t-shirt that said southern and sassy, it's all good. Well madame, I beg to differ, it is in fact, not 'all good'.