You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

The language of love may be universal, but it's not one of the options on an ATM machine.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.