You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.

Break ups are painful, but if initiated at the right time can fuel one's sense of optimism.

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.