I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Do you ever have one of those weeks where you know nothings gonna go right?

The great thing about having a small family is that there are fewer people to disappoint.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.