Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

Anyone who says I would never hit a woman hasn't met my x girlfriend.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.