Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?

I've decided to aim a telescope at my neighbour's window. It's the closest I'll ever come to living with someone comfortably.