Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Assassinating someone is another way of saying I care, just not in the way they'd want you to.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

If no-eye contact sex were a sport, I'm not saying I'd make it to the Olympics, but I like my chances.

I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.