I wish I could be attracted to unattractive women. They're just more interesting.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.

Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.