When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

Unlicensed, illegal immigrants are the safest drivers on the road.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.

Not sure how I feel about reality. I'm going to begin purchasing stuffed animals and endowing them with the qualities people in my life lack.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.