Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Being proud of your nationality is like congratulating yourself for inheriting money.

I've decided to hire a 'food taster', not because I think anyone is trying to kill me, but because I want to make sure it's not to salty.

Age is just a number, unless of course your trying to have a conversation with them.

Comedy is rarely funny.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.

Please reduce the expectation in your tone when asking me how my day is going.