Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

My dad was old school Jewish. Not do your taxes Jewish - steal your car Jewish.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Facebook is great for getting upset about things people say even though you haven't seen them in 12 years.

Everybody's angry with me because, apparently, I outed my cousin during an argument over a turkey leg. My cousin goes, 'You had the last leg.' I was like, 'You're gay.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.