Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

If you hug someone goodbye and their response is what the hell are you doing? - you may want to examine you're definition of close friend.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.