Thinking about the fathomless cruelty with which man has treated his fellow man, but also ice cream.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

I really appreciate the way you don't appreciate me, said my subconscious as I agreed to go out with her yet again.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

I would imagine that most of the people who consider themselves successful aren't, at least in the ways that really matter-myself included.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.