My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

Violence is never the answer, unless you don't feel like talking.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.

Dating is great unless you don't like horrible awkwardness, lying, and a deep foreboding sense of disappointment that never goes away.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.