My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Great marriages are like the Higgs Boson particle, its existence has been theorized, but no one has ever seen one.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.

Is it cynical to assume that anyone smiling is a liar and a criminal?

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.