You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Was thinking of taking a yoga class, then realized I wasn't gay. Whew. Close one.

Comedy has been my way to reconcile with the world. I didn't really set out to do this, but comedy has served as my outlet to address my issues I have with this crazy world.

Sex sells, but doesn't work so well as a strong-arm tactic. Give me your purse or I'll make out with you so hard.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Few things are more negative than thinking positive for no reason.