You think you have anger issues? I just yelled at a sandwich. Not kidding.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

Domestic violence isn't funny, especially if you live together.

Quality thoughts will turn their back on you if you don't treat them with respect.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

When rappers call each other son it leads me to believe they don't take fatherhood very seriously.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.