Guys don't use the word pretty enough. Like, hey Mike, did you get that shirt at the game? Looks really pretty on you.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

The worst part about people with bad personalities is they don't know it.

How come the term 'threesome' is always used in a sexual context? What, nobody plays string instruments any more?

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.