Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.