Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

When maintaining a relationship means diminishing your self, it's time to walk.

Brain damage and stupidity are very different things, but can have similar effects on the wearer.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

I would imagine that not having any potential could be less difficult than not fulfilling it.

Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.