Next time I spank a girl during sex, I'll say, this is going to hurt me more than it will you.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

I like to be able to connect with people. And that's how I connect, right away. I like to really talk to somebody. To me, it makes my night more interesting.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

I find anger so comforting. It's like a blanket made of unresolved issues, but it's a blanket none the less.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.