The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

Is it a bad sign when you see the person you're dating and get the same feeling as if you just saw police lights in you're rear view mirror?

We should create a holiday that celebrates money for what it is, essentially worthless paper, upon which we agree to pretend it has value.

Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.