The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

Women often use large fake breasts like a gun, pointing the weapon at you in an attempt to garner the attention their father never gave them.

People increase their use of the term 'sir' when their angry. Little do they know, it only causes me to feel more like I'm wearing a top hat.

I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.