Few things are as uniquely painful as bad comedy, and the realization that the human mind is a house of mirrors with no entrance and no exit.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

If you love sleep, you'll really enjoy death.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

Being homeless is awful, but if you've ever tried to wrestle a duvet cover back onto a comforter you realise it's not without it's benefits.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Man's inhumanity toward man is astounding, and I'm just talking about the lineup at certain comedy clubs.