America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

People that say I have a 'fear of commitment' don't understand my relationship with popcorn.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

If only you understood the way I felt... it wouldn't help much because I don't really like you as a person.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

Perhaps being hated in the right way is preferable to being loved in the wrong one.