Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

Space and time are figments of you're imagination, unless the guy you're flying next to won't shut up.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

If you carry a paperback book in your back pocket, but spend more time on your hair than you do reading it, you're probably a bad actor.

All politicians promise that which they cannot deliver. I just wish they did so less gleefully.

I don't know about you, but I like to fall in love on Mondays. This way if things go south right away you still have the weekend.

Writing good jokes requires effort. Think I'll just start dressing funnier.