Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

If procrastination were a marketable skill, I'd be a real hot commodity.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.

What is sex addiction? I asked a doctor and the guys goes, Sex addiction... People will end up doing something they don't want to do just for sex. Isn't that called a first date, man? If sex was the result of something I wanted to do, there'd be condoms all over my PlayStation.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?