Every time I see a happy couple I want to give them a polygraph.

Life is what you make of it, unless you have tourette's, in which case much becomes involuntary.

Heard someone say children are god's gift to the world. What world are you referring to? And what's your definition of gift?

I'd find myself more interesting if I weren't with me all the time.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.