Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Women want a man who is sensitive, but god forbid you can't get it up after being frightened by a small woodland animal.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Someday I'd like to be a father, not of a human child, but something more reasonable.

There must be 15 shows about people's jobs: 'Ice Road Trucker,' 'Axe Men,' 'Dirty Jobs.' Unemployment is so high, we're watching people work.

I'd like you much better if you didn't like yourself so much.