Water polo would be much more interesting if they hadn't gotten rid of the horses.

Whoever said life without love isn't worth living didn't own an iPhone. These things are great.

False humility is thinly veiled ego disguised as self confidence.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Upside of being an attractive woman; if you're remotely intelligent, people will treat you like you're brilliant. Downside: same thing.

If you spend a lot of time shopping for athletic clothes, you may want to consider spending less time thinking about high school.

Laughing at ones own attempt at humor while saying things just come to me should be punishable by death.