Nike store won't accept my Starbucks card as payment. Come on guys, just do it.

If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

I like shitty strip clubs. They look like what they are. I know what to expect. Unlike Congress, at least we know everybody is for sale.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

The best thing about bugs is their lack of self consciousness, also the ability to fly doesn't hurt.