I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

You're pregnant? Congratulations, the world needs another mindless, semiliterate consumer.

TV can be an acronym for television or transvestite. I prefer using it to describe the the latter. The former is strange and undignified.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

America is a hot chick with a bad personality. Take her seriously and you'll end up hating yourself.

If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

I spend so much time alone that whenever I see my shadow I feel crowded.