Please use anger for something positive like hurting people that deserve it or writing jokes.

America has so much debt, if she were a person she'd need a co-signer to get a car loan.

People shouldn't take my lack of interest in what they're saying personally. I don't really care about what I'm saying most of the time.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.

I wonder if anybody ever decided to commit suicide, then thought; but first I'm going to stop by that taco place I like so much.

Skin heads are doing an awful job of promoting racism. You guys need to loosen up, and for god's sake would it kill you to smile.

The Nazis were well dressed. Today's racists are a rag-tag bunch with no sense of style or panache.