I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

I can always tell when a girl comes from a good family because she's what's known as not at all attracted to me.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Most public bathrooms now have automatic toilet sensors. People can't even be trusted to flush.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

Bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend sends you reeling in a search for new adjectives to describe stupidity and thoughtlessness?