I've decided to become gay, not in a sexual way, but I am going to start picking up around the house.

I'm pretty sure whoever said, people are wonderful spent very little time with people.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.

We're in this together usually means I'm here for you, unless it requires me getting into my car anywhere near rush hour.

Finding your voice is something you have to keep working at. Your voice as a comic evolves the same way that you evolve. You have to find out what works for you. How can you express your opinion, your take on the situations in a way that feels natural to you? That's where you find your voice.