If only St. Valentine was around to see his memory celebrated through the mindless marketing of whipping cream and lingerie.

Lack of sleep is only bad if you have to drive, or think, or talk, or move.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Pine nuts pound for pound are more expensive than most varieties of smoked salmon. There I said it.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

It's a shame that physical beauty often has such a negative effect on its occupant.

I'm pretty happy for someone who struggles with happiness.