Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

The next actor I meet that uses the term 'courageous' to describe another actor's performance is getting punched in the face.

I'm no quitter, unless it comes to human relationships or math and science.

Whenever I'm around people it causes me to feel nostalgic for the loneliness that drove me into their presence in the first place.