You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Fountains are more romantic when you don't hate the person you're with.

Comedy is a cruel mistress, especially if you're already seeing a really cruel mistress.

I've always wanted children... not of my own, but for yard work and reaching into tight places to get things I've dropped.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

Cupcakes are the tattooed brunette chick of the baked goods world.

Patriotism for the sake of is like choosing sides in a war based on the color of their uniforms.