You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

Stop thanking god for your parking spot. He had nothing to do with it, and if he did, I want nothing to do with him.

The fabric of society is woven together by the needle of suppression and denial.

Hanging out with women on a platonic level is like spending time with someone from Europe. It's not better or worse, but it is different.

Money can't buy happiness, unless you're favorite hooker's name is 'Happiness'.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.