If I were a bad black comic I would name my special, Yo mama, and other stories of a lack of self awareness.

If I were a gynecologist, I'd say things like, Okay, enough of the small talk. Let's check under the hood.

If you're an adult and still think material wealth leads to happiness, might I suggest not being a moron.

Suicide is a terrible idea, but if you're going to end it, do so at a Pinkberry near you.

Learn to think for yourself, unless of course you can identify someone else with better judgement, and a flashlight.

I'd like to expand the definition of the word 'success' to include 'failure' as the one seems inseparable from the other.

My bedroom is so messy, if I died of natural causes, the cops would be like no he didn't, clearly there was a struggle.