I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Throwing up is natures way of saying you need to re-examine your idea of a good time.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

The world treats beautiful people like they're good at something, which makes it so that they almost never get good at something.

When being interviewed by a woman for a job, never begin with listen up doll face.

Ending a sentence with yo, is like saying, I don't want a job. Not today. Not ever. Know what I mean yo?

The more I get to know people, the less I know about people.