I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Living by the beach means feeling guilty about never going to the beach.

Suicide is like the ejector button in the cockpit of an F-15. If life goes into a permanent tail spin, it's nice to know the option is there.

Health food would seem healthier if the people that sold it looked less unhealthy.

Monogamy is god's way of making death seem like a more reasonable option.

Every time I see someone taking care of a baby, I think why in the world would anyone willingly saddle themselves with that responsibility?

I don't know if it's the economy, but finding work as a spiritual guru is really hard. Maybe I should grow my hair out.