I consider myself a patriot, but not for the traditional reasons. I'm just really passionate about apple pie.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

Living one's life with unguarded vulnerability is one of the keys to happiness. It's also one of the keys to getting mugged.

Horoscopes, like bad sitcoms, are created for people that I don't relate to.

The quality of a restaurant's food is inversely proportioned to the amount of fun its staff seems to be having.

Why hasn't anyone opened a night club named 'No Drugs Allowed, Wink, Wink'?