I'd put my faith in god, but I haven't met him, and I've been hurt before.

Few things are more annoying than too many of any one ethnicity in the same room.

If I do marry, I'll expect a pretty serious dowry. I'm talking goats, pigs, chickens, the works.

Just saw a t-shirt at the gym said, body by torture. That's a lot less ironic if you're a political prisoner in the Middle East.

When cornered, a rattle snake can become so angry it's been known to bite itself, which is exactly how I feel in traffic and relationships.

Many television weather-women were one abusive parent away from prostitution.

I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.