I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

I have a sneaking suspicion that leading an examined life and being really tan aren't consistent with one another.

America's objective in the Middle East is to create democracy in the same way that my goal on a first date to feed women.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

A high percentage of vegan men look like lesbians.

Writing a new film about cereal killers. Not serial killers, cereal killers. The main character can eat two, three boxes at a time.

It's difficult to feel silly and depressed at the same time, but I manage.