I'd spend more time with you if you were less like you.

When I was a kid I remember thinking, if I had a girl, I would treat her really well. Little did I know, they don't always like that.

The Middle East is America's 'champagne room'. No matter how much you spend, you will still never get what you want.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

Only bugs can truly appreciate the beauty of flowers.

Love is nature's LSD. You're going to see things that aren't really there.

Looking into blood doping. I think it will allow me to write jokes with greater intensity, and for a longer period of time.