I'm endlessly amazed by what people are capable of, and incapable of.

Is it a bad sign when the thought of your x-girlfriend makes you say things like, Satan is a myth... I guess.

A picture is worth a thousand words, but conversations with them generally end in dissapointment.

People that say I'm really sensitive rarely are.

Few things interest me more than the things people don't say.

My job as a comedian is to heighten awareness about locally grown produce, fight factory farming, and promote euthanasia, but in a funny way.

The Statue of Liberty really is profound, I just wish she'd lighten up a bit.