Can you spare some change? is never a good pick up line.

It's a wonder you don't see the zebra being trotted out as a metaphor for racial harmony more often.

You know you've lived in LA to long when what you fear most about prison is a lack of organic produce.

Standup comedy is fun. I mean other than having to experience the excruciating lonlieness and unacknowledged sadness that results in funny.

You can't fool the American people - politician trying to fool the American people.

You can't assume the best about people. If I get a girl home and she takes her pants off, and it looks like she's got herpes, I can't afford to assume she got stung by a pack of bees.

At the gym; I've given up trying to get in really good shape, and re-committed myself to not getting any worse.